Vagina Dentata

[Kali, Hindu Goddess of Death]

I was obviously deeply excited to see this website where a hunk of a man was looking for a ‘Goddess’. I was obviously fantastically keen to apply, but there were a couple of things that I thought would get in the way for eternal happiness with ‘Mark’. What do you think?

• I don’t believe in God.
• I don’t really believe that Mark is on the brink of a large-scale financial success
• I don’t believe he does speak DIRECTLY to God.
• I don’t like people who CAPS words unnecessarily or over-use exclamation marks!
• I don’t really think he is looking for a woman with a razor-sharp intellect or at least the other few of thousand words kinda undermine that desire.
• I find pre-nuptial agreements offensive.
• I don’t mediate every day, unless you count sitting on the bus on the way to work, staring zombie-like out of the window.
• I don’t chant, unless you count shouting catchphrases like “Oh for fuck’s sake” or “he is such a fuckwit”.
• My mind is rarely peaceful.
• I have frequent “unwelcome thoughts” and constant “mental chatter”. Some unwelcome thoughts include the idea of bald, middle-aged fuckwits filled with sexual intensity *shudder*
• When I get hurt or upset I stew on it for weeks, sometimes years.
• I frequently feel hatred and the desire to hurt people, but then I probably spend too much time on the internet.
• I don’t unconditionally love many people. In fact I don’t much like most people. I even hate some of my closest friends.
• I don’t think I ever had childlike innocence and I have a particular suspicion of middle-aged men who want a woman to be childlike.
• I have bad posture.
• I have a fairly trim waistline – which I think gives me extra points. But I wouldn’t be willing to keep it trim for a man because I have self-respect and prioritise my relationship with pies and cakes over any man. No exceptions.
• My hair has grown recently, mostly due to my laziness but I have spent many years with a crop and if there is any thing that would make me cut it all off again it would be a man wanting me to grow it for them. No exceptions.
• I have a fairly low voice for a woman.
• I’m not fantastically healthy (see relationship with pies and cake).
• I am mostly tobacco free, but then do often have a fag when I’m pissed and high.
• I’m not a vegetarian and would rather die than never eat sausages again.
• My room (as I don’t own a house) is dirty, chaotic and full of crap
• My main mental health issue is the frequent desire to kick men in the balls. But I am trying to deal with it.
• Saying “outside the box” makes me want to kick Mark in the balls.
• I’m pretty unreliable which I, but no one else, find endearing and lovable.
• I’m not an actress and feel no desire to become one.
• I wouldn’t be willing to travel the world with Mark or appear on TV with him because its crass, cloying and the heteronormativity of it makes a little bit of sick appear in my mouth.
• I don’t really think that a sacred sexual union with Mark is crucial for manifesting his Global Vision. But would ostensively be to get his rocks off.
• I haven’t been a prostitute and think that if men want their ‘Goddess’ to be one its because they wish to dehumanise, purchase and own a woman for her sexual services
• I don’t long to be worshiped as a Goddess by a man. Its creepy.
• I don’t want to be controlled by someone and believe submission, surrender and the looking a particular way for someone else are fundamental to control
• I don’t really like 100% straight people, they are massively dull.
• I don’t respond to anything as a LADY and I’m not a GIRL. I’m an adult and condescension makes me want to kick men in the balls.
• I like walking on the street side of the pavement as it allows me to run away faster.
• I like to make choices and exercise my free will.
• I don’t own any vases.
• I like music.
• I watch downloaded telly.
• Mark doesn’t seem funny – apart from in a funny-weird way.
• I don’t want to live in Los Angeles.
• I find the top Mark is wearing in the ‘August 2004’ pic offensive.
• I think he does want to control his Goddess. Otherwise he wouldn’t have written 6000 words on exactly what he wants from a woman right down to the length of her hair and how long she mediates for each day. And that creeps me out.
• I do indeed have a tendency to accuse men of being controlling when they try to control things.

But, but I am NOT a Scientologist!!

I’ll email him and see how I get on – fingers crossed!!!!